my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
