Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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