when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
