OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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