Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
