is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
