it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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