if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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