Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
