clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
