I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
