I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
