just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
birth control should be required to get into college
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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