I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
