I smell stomach acid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Drake has all the answers
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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