"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
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LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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