i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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