dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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