I will die if light touches me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
