Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
