I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day