Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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