my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
