Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
