I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
