smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
