she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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