omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
