god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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