so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
