nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
