I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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