apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
