Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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