It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
