My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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