Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You are a genius and a whore.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
