I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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