Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
