It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
