Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
