Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
