Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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