onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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