you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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