M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
