you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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