I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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