You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
