He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
