Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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