My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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