Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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