I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
