My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
