Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You ruined the universe
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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