Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
