Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
