I hate all girls vehemently.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
